Monday, January 3, 2011

My Secret Obsession is Over


I never came to terms with it.  It was cheap, it was easy, it came into my life.  I tried to hide it behind other things, but no matter where I hid it, I knew it was there, waiting to be used.  Nay, demanding; after all, *I* was the one who brought it into my house, *I* was the one who said, "hey, can't hurt to try, right?"

I was ashamed.  I didn't tell anybody I was dallying with it.  There was no pleasure, really; my goal was to just get through it.  Finally, one day I found I was not disliking it.  In fact, I reached out for it, first, without thinking, without debating.  I just...used it.  Just like it wanted me to.

I still didn't talk about it.  But I didn't hide it.  Nor did I really enjoy it.  It had just become part of a routine, enmeshed in life, an unspoken part of my day.

Then came the morning when it all changed.

I still have no words.  As hard as I try, I find none.  The experience was "meh" at best.  Yet, here I am, not mourning as such...but...noting.  But of course...once again, time spent on nothing.

A peculiar thing, this Secret Obsession.  When we were alone, it rarely registered as anything; it was a functional non-presence.  When I pondered it in the context of friends and family and readers, I was ashamed. Granted, there was that time in the middle, when I thought maybe I *did* sense something, when I might come forth and not only confess, but I would announce it was in my life and declare it good.

It was just a moment.  A moment that led to so many more visits, attempts to recreate the magic, attempts that loomed as limitless as the seemingly infinite source.

Now we are done.

surveillance photo:  author's own


Marina said...

Love it. The post. Not Secret Obsession. It was "meh" at best. :))) But I wore it several times too. Don't know why...

ScentScelf said...

Another inexplicable rendezvous with a Secret Obsession.

Sorry...and yet a bit hear you experience was "meh" at best as well.

brian said...

Count mine meh as well.

Vanessa said...

I was also a bit "meh" with this, and wasn't sorry to see it fade from the shelves. Meanwhile I have developed a sneaking affection for Belle d'Opium lately, which has been widely panned by reviewers, and which I persist in liking despite my own secret shame. (And the initial plasticky lily note.)

ScentScelf said...

And the "meh"s collect. It seems that the Secret Obsession is not all that, in the cold light of day.